Growing up, I really felt like a freak. People keep telling me, "No this is not right, you should do it this way. You should do it that way. No you should be like this, no you should be like that."
I feel like I'm a piece of trash simply because I don't fit into their mold, their socially accepted norms of what a good girl should be. If a girl doesn't come home before 10pm, doesn't clean, doesn't wash, doesn't do household chores, she is a horrible horrible horrible girl. Even my parents, the very people who brought me into this earth doesn't appreciate my personality and my way of doing things. And I feel like I'm a piece of shit. And when I was doing something right, where were they? Why did they all go? Did they give me a word of encouragement? In my darkest hours of struggling, were they there for me?
If I was a little innocent 10-year-old kid who didn't know what is right and what is wrong, they probably can do that.... But now that I am a working adult, I clearly know what my priorities in life are, what are the things that are important to me, what are not important, and I will not bow down to what THEY THINK ARE IMPORTANT just to fit in, just to be accepted, just to be loved because that is not representative of who I am as a person. I have my convictions and I am very strong about them. The world is filled with people who will do things that other people asks them to do, even though it is not what they really want, just for the sake of pleasing people and I'm not saying that that is wrong, it's just what they choose to be and it is okay, but when I choose to be myself, I get shit for it.
I'm realized one thing, the desire to find acceptance and love from the people around me...... Something I always long for, is the very thing that is killing me softly.... Silently and softly, the Wendy I know was eroding on the inside. I try to be like everybody else, I try to blend in and fit in. I try to change myself to make others happy. I went to JC instead of poly because my mum told me to. And the repercussion of that on my soul is unimaginable. Those 2 years in Junior College were the darkest days of my life.
Now I get why celebrities in the entertainment industry struggle with issues, think the drugs,sex and all. Because they are constantly being judged, put on a pedestral to be someone other than who they truly are on the inside. They desire to find acceptance and yet time and time again they get disappointed because people simply refuse to accept them the way they are.
The desire for fame and popularity taken to extremes becomes fatalistic. My desire to find love and acceptance in my family, friends and society has caused my demise.
I want to find peace within myself. I want to love myself. I want to be myself, not the person that you want me to be, I want to exercise my free will that is sacred to Wendy, that no one can touch, not even the Almighty God Himself. This is my essence of being human. Take away my freedom to exercise my free will and I become a robot.... just like everyone else who will do things simply because other people asks them to. I feel like vomiting now, like literally. The very society that I believe in..... we sacrificed creativity and our human soul in the name of making more money, of being more economically viable... And I feel like a money making machine, mass produced. This could be my retribution. All the times I tried to change people so they could fit my mold. I realized that the very things that I stood for, by trying to make it better than things are with my all "higher ways".... has backfired.
Authenticity, do we value it at all? Or we want people who are just like us, if they are different, or they choose to do things differently, then they must be wrong?
I feel so beautiful
Can't no one tell me no
My life's a circus show
No matter where I go
