I Feel Like A Freak

I am tearing as I type this entry. My 3rd aunt called and she went on and on about what the maid said about me, what she thinks about me, questioning me in a tone that was less than friendly... and I just feel so...  misunderstood and unappreciated.


Growing up, I really felt like a freak. People keep telling me, "No this is not right, you should do it this way. You should do it that way. No you should be like this, no you should be like that."



I feel like I'm a piece of trash simply because I don't fit into their mold, their socially accepted norms of what a good girl should be. If a girl doesn't come home before 10pm, doesn't clean, doesn't wash, doesn't do household chores, she is a horrible horrible horrible girl. Even my parents, the very people who brought me into this earth doesn't appreciate my personality and my way of doing things. And I feel like I'm a piece of shit. And when I was doing something right, where were they? Why did they all go? Did they give me a word of encouragement? In my darkest hours of struggling, were they there for me?



If I was a little innocent 10-year-old kid who didn't know what is right and what is wrong, they probably can do that.... But now that I am a working adult, I clearly know what my priorities in life are, what are the things that are important to me, what are not important, and I will not bow down to what THEY THINK ARE IMPORTANT just to fit in, just to be accepted, just to be loved because that is not representative of who I am as a person. I have my convictions and I am very strong about them. The world is filled with people who will do things that other people asks them to do, even though it is not what they really want, just for the sake of pleasing people and I'm not saying that that is wrong, it's just what they choose to be and it is okay, but when I choose to be myself, I get shit for it. 




I'm realized one thing, the desire to find acceptance and love from the people around me...... Something I always long for, is the very thing that is killing me softly.... Silently and softly, the Wendy I know was eroding on the inside. I try to be like everybody else, I try to blend in and fit in. I try to change myself to make others happy. I went to JC instead of poly because my mum told me to. And the repercussion of that on my soul is unimaginable. Those 2 years in Junior College were the darkest days of my life. 

Now I get why celebrities in the entertainment industry struggle with issues, think the drugs,sex and all. Because they are constantly being judged, put on a pedestral to be someone other than who they truly are on the inside. They desire to find acceptance and yet time and time again they get disappointed because people simply refuse to accept them the way they are.



The desire for fame and popularity taken to extremes becomes fatalistic. My desire to find love and acceptance in my family, friends and society has caused my demise.



I want to find peace within myself. I want to love myself. I want to be myself, not the person that you want me to be, I want to exercise my free will that is sacred to Wendy, that no one can touch, not even the Almighty God Himself. This is my essence of being human. Take away my freedom to exercise my free will and I become a robot.... just like everyone else who will do things simply because other people asks them to. I feel like vomiting now, like literally. The very society that I believe in..... we sacrificed creativity and our human soul in the name of making more money, of being more economically viable... And I feel like a money making machine, mass produced. This could be my retribution. All the times I tried to change people so they could fit my mold. I realized that the very things that I stood for, by trying to make it better than things are with my all "higher ways".... has backfired.




Authenticity, do we value it at all? Or we want people who are just like us, if they are different, or they choose to do things differently, then they must be wrong?

I feel so beautiful

Can't no one tell me no

My life's a circus show

No matter where I go

When She's Looking I Fall Apart

I feel so suffocated I just had to blog it out.

My grandma is driving me up the wall with her incessant nagging. And I really mean INCESSANT. She don't just say it once or say it twice. She can say it 10 times a day!!! And I am NOT exaggerating. She wants to control what time I eat, sleep and shower........... and I'm not gonna give in to her. I am a free-spirit that doesn't want to be controlled. Maybe when I was 12 years old, she could do that, but not when I am a freaking 22-yr-old adult. I wish I can walk up to her, strike a Gaga-ish pose and say, " I'm a free bi*ch baby! " Hahahahahaha. Look at this video, I almost cried because I felt so much connection with the song and the performance. Blast up your speakers to max volume cos it's soft and you absolutely cannot miss the WOW effect at 4.08 mins!!

Edited Lyrics of Dance in the Dark

Silicone,
Saline,
Poison,
Inject me
and baby I'm a free
bi*ch;
I'm a free
bi*ch.

Some girls won't dance to the beat of the track.
She won't walk away, but she won't look back.
She looks good but her GRANDMA says she's a mess,
she's a mess,
she's a mess,
Now the girl is stressed.
she's a mess,
she's a mess,
she's a mess,
she's a mess.

Baby loves to dance in the dark,
'Cuz when she's lookin' she falls apart.
Baby loves to dance in the dark.


She looks good but her GRANDMA says she's a tramp,
she's a tramp,
she's a vamp,
but she still does her dance.
she's a tramp,
she's a vamp,
but she still kills the dance.


In the dark,
She loves to dance in the dark,
in the dark,
she loves, she loves to dance in the dark.

Marilyn,
Judy,
Sylvia,
Tell 'em how you feel girls.

Work your blonde
Benet Ramsey haunt like Liberace

Find your freedom in the music,
find your Jesus,
find your Cupid.

You will never fall apart,
Diana you're still in our hearts.

Never let you fall apart,
together we'll dance in the dark.

Hai.... In absolutes, be absolute, but in gray areas, give people the freedom to be who they like to be. Why don't they get it. HUGE generation gap. I hate dead traditions, hate controlling mindsets.


B. Darren once said, " In the presence of control, there can only be rebellion." Creative pple hate to be controlled, creative pple function differently from most people. Aiya, why do I even bother to explain. I am sick and tired of pple saying things that make me feel bad or guilty about myself. I am a good girl. A girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, doesn't steal, a girl of compassion that wants to help the less fortunate..... a girl that has a lot of ideas, a lot of big dreams.


I'm just not their typical traditional girl that cooks, cleans, washes and gives in to all their demands kind, and they just cannot accept it. They just can't love and accept me for who I am, who I really really am on the inside. But I've long given up on this desire already, cos I know them so well but they dunno peanuts about me.


Dear boyfriend, please marry me quickly. I am too poor now to rent a room of my own outside and it is too miserable and stressful for me to stay here. I need to come home to a shelter where I can let down my hair and breathe, where I can be free to be me after fighting my battles in the marketplace. My home is the last place I want a lot of noise and stress, it creates a huge psychological toll on me.  I beg you. Please hurrry. ='( Otherwise, I need to start spending an extra $600, $700 every month to rent a room and they might still haunt me down.


God, please help Aaron to help me and please help me to help Aaron and help myself cos I can't stay in this pseudo-home for long. I want to be let out of the cage. I want to fly. And I will do whatever it takes to get there.


If my bf says to me, " I'll  never let you fall apart, let's dance in the dark." I will melt... Ahhh, I'm a hopeful romantic!


Let's dance in the dark people. We never have to fall apart.

Chase the Monday Blues Away!

Initially I thought there'll be no weekly meeting today since we just had one 4 days ago after boss came back from his Taiwan holiday! Alas, there still is one and at the start of it, boss shared about Invictus! Yay I'm so in flow with boss, I hope he will nag at me less!!! Hahahahaha! ANYWAY, he learnt 3 lessons from Invictus:

1. We always need to be motivated. Reading the poem was what keep the Nelson Mandela in the movie going throughout the 27 years of imprisonment!

2. Discipline. According to boss, Mandela would wake at 4.30am everyday, jog/walk at 5am, hit the office at 7am and work till late at night. If you ask me, that's definitely not the kind of life I want!

3. Big heart. Mandela forgave the whites who put him behind bars. After his release, he not only accepted and worked with them, but even won their trust.

I was bored during the meeting and so I was tweeting and I saw this!

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Sun with DJ Chichilarue

DJ Chichilarue is a transvestite and he or she is also a porn director! And of course I was initially surprised to see the photo but I am truly loving Sun because she does not discriminate! I've never had a friend who is gay, bisexual or anything other than the socially accepted norms but I pray that when the day comes, I will love and accept them as I would everyone else. :) No homophobia allowed! The Uganda government is crazy to want to sentence homosexuals to death! Homos are not human beings meh!? Siao! My respect for Sun went up another notch! Sun I salute you!

Since we're on this topic... Heard about the recent news of the "woman" who was molested by 3 men at a beach countdown party? According to the photos, she might be a transvestite but I can't say for sure. The issue however I think is not so much of whether he or she is trans but whether or not the person was willing to be touched and from this photo of he or she smiling, it says it all. So.... it's just Singaporeans making a big hoo ha out of nothing. Chey! If it's real molest taking place, I think S'poreans won't be so stupid to just look and not do anything about it right? I really hope not cos I cannot fathom such an inward-looking and selfish S'pore!

Talking about gays and the like...

I always wondered why many gays are so amazingly creative. Think hairdressers, fashion designers, etc and..... the crazily talented Lady Gaga, she was or still is bisexual. I post this question to my friends and I got these 2 responses:

1) My guy friend,"Gays are very creative meh? I don't think so."

2) My very intelligent female friend, "I think it's because gays have to take huge steps to break out of socially accepted norms due to their sexuality and in doing so, their creativity is unleashed!"


And recently I also thought of this theory:

3) Maybe many gays who were initially normal were fiercely creative right from the start but people didn't get them and didn't appreciate their creativity and as a result, it drove them to turn into other means of expressing themselves and they found it in being gay?

What say you? 

I am the Captain of My Soul

Invictus is Latin for unconquered, a movie starring Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. In the movie, Mandela is released from imprisonment after 27 years, is elected President of South Africa and attempts to eradicate racism and unite the blacks and the whites in what seemed like an impossible task. I dunno why, but I felt all emotional when he walked out of prison and when he said his vows during the swearing in ceremony! The poem Invictus, was what motivated Mandela's character to pull through his dark days in prison (though not true in real life). Shall not spoil it for you, go catch the movie!

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of fate

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years finds

And shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Guess who wrote it!? 'At the age of 12, Henley became a victim of tuberculosis of the bone. A few years later the disease progressed to his foot, and physicians announced that the only way to save his life was to amputate directly below the knee. In 1867, he would successfully pass the Oxford local examination as a senior student. In 1875, he wrote the "Invictus" poem from a hospital bed. Despite his disability, he survived with one foot intact and led an active life until the age of 53.' (From Wikipedia)

Awesome!!! It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. Ah, I'm appreciating poetry again! Inspired! :)

Gaga + Polaroid = Boomz!

I hope you've heard! Lady Gaga is now the Creative Director of Polaroid! Call it a publicity stunt but we shall see how the Lady resurrects Polaroid and wow us over! U know why I love Lady Gaga? Cos she is NEVER BORING. Always something fresh, always full of surprises. I for one, CANNOT STAND boring things. And so, Lady Gaga is like a breath of huge fresh air for me! Check out her interview with CNBC below on the new partnership, Gaga sure is a sophisticated woman!